being at home has an all new meaning for all new conflicts.
every time I'm home I'll always start doing all my shit...and it happends again and again although i remind myself and stuffs. Without control your just 'explodes'

Seriously i feel really bad, making mom angry cause she's the only one person i ever love so deeply for in the whole wide world, it hurts when i sometimes without thinking, doing some actions which makes her frustrated or things that I say would just start a small conflict ending up in a super big conflict. It hurts more when you think actually the whole thing is all your fault, you started it, she gets so damn frustrated she can't breathe well and worst's that you know her health is failing and she's getting older. I really can't help it, i really fucking hate myself. And it always sucks to say sorry for a thousand times when someone just ignores you , that's why aeons ago, im not bothered to say sorry anymore(except for being polite), i know i'm in the wrong but you know it's like so fucking sick and tired.

It feels much better then you start inflicting damage to yourself, feeling that your could lift your guilt, sin and pain, i wanted to slash my wrist like old times but I reached for a sharp pencil instead, continously stabbing my thighs and legs. It really does feel very very much better, though i really can't stop my tears(people with O+ blood tends to be more emo, I can't help it.). It really feel so so so bad words can't really describe it.


I didn't sleep all night drawing dress pattern from a handcraft book I bought long ago, trying to make a rabbit etc, I know I could just close my eyes and sleep in 30 seconds but I can't make myself. My heart is tearing apart, my puffy swollen eyes hurts,


I really wish God don't give me any feelings at all, forgot all about it.
what i wish for now is that today she will be ok with me again, or else i would really sink into another stupid emo great depression... being so fucking pathetic.

I really don't need to go to sleep with this continuous crying seriously.
But anyway, I will still love her as always no matter what, even if she hates me.
Paradoxical isn't it is was saying not having feelings and yet now I still love her.
...Do you get what I mean?



Oh well another episode of my life has just ended, life goes on blah blah blah, stay tunned for more nonsense entries...